I always feel angry to share things about private life on social media which is completely none of others business. We should not give people the privilege of knowing everything about us. Just because it’s not posted on the social media, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. I believe in quietly progress. But this time I’ve changed my mind for an exception. So it’s my turn, let’s get in.
I think the most weirdest feeling in this world must be losing someone forever. It’s crazy. It’s not like breaking up or moving other city to forget things completely, however, it is about a thing that profoundly shows you someone’s absent in your life forever…
I lost my best friend. I lost twenty years of my life, too. Since 7yr old, I remember each little moments we had; each place we’ve been, our favourite songs, first time we had piercing together – including the one that she fainted of excitement, her green fluffy coat, wearing black nail polishes, that grey hair clip she gave me, her happiness when I gifted a Chloe wallet to her.
I remember her little Nike sneakers, I remember we were waiting on the long queue for Zizek’s conference at Istanbul modern 2015, I remember her red hair ordering a vanilla coffee in French street during undergraduate years, wearing a black leather jacket on her.
In every corner I see her, in the streets of Kadikoy, in the lovely cafes of Taksim , Cihangir, Karakoy and many others. The last time in Taksim-Tünel, we were talking about funny bus trip to the islands, and she were chuckling with her big eyes. I never forget. And who knew it was our last time in those places…it’s heart breaking when I stop thinking for a minute to watch our moments as a third look.
I remember those nights rushing to the house when we were seventeen, the last drink we had in Kadıköy, the last joke she made with me while I was watching the sea on the roof of the house, last askings of her to go to the certain places. I am angry with her because she left me. I still had many things to talk about to her. And I angry about myself for many times I could tell how much I love her. Nothing can bring her back but she will always be in my mind.
I still talk to her in my mind and telling how many people came to the funeral, reminding her how we had so many laughs while we back from course on the road when we were in primary school. I still feel like she’s on whatsapp waiting for my ‘let’s go out’ messages after work. Discussing political things – she were supporter of left-wing). I want to tell her she forgot her heavy Middle East book on me and telling in my mind it’s fine. I want to tell her the last movie I’ve watched was beautiful. All in all, I want to say I’m fine but incomplete nowadays..
Rest in peace little one, see you on the other side.